Nightshift

While I am awake  when you are a sleep,

I remember when you saved the black sheep

Young, broken, and misunderstood,

you helped repair her broken wings

the Shepard who healed the flightless bird

showed love and healed her with compassion,

Away she flew to expose her vulnerability 

then a black sheep she became again

to the Shepard she returned to once more

2017/Apr/27

J.D.I

Deactivated destruction

There are times where I find myself pissing off precious time by spending it on Facebook.

After numerous times of deactivating my account, deleting post from a year + ago, and completely altering my account to hind my identity. The heinous part of it all is – I am not able to simply DELETE my account. I can assure you now understand why I am making drastic changes to become incognito on Facebook since I do not have the freedom to simply delete it.

As I scrolled down past horrible times which were recalled by the obvious status’ – I had no true intention to continue investing my time to lurk, debate, or squander any more of my time on a crippling website.

Finally, I cut out what was hindering me from being happy and doing what I said I would do last year.

Among the scrolling thru my past post – feeling ashamed for time wasted on gaining likes and attention – I stumble across some post from spring of 2016 reading, ” I need to uproot from this town and move.” Another was explaining how I  was going to begin nursing school that year;

With many tears, unexpressed pain, and late nights wasted chasing love – I have felt the guilt, pique, conflating with a bolt, of what it seemed to be, nightmares that I am recuperating from. With slight tightening in my chest from holding back the violating thoughts urging me to weep. I have done enough of that, on the nights where I found myself being peeled off of the parking lot floor recovering from alcohol poisoning; looking in the rear view mirror at a fool who was in love with his past; leaving a club with someone I met from uni who is a pathological lying sucker, then boney biker who lied about his girlfriend and pursued to kiss me and take me on a date. [I am not even done] Then that time when I crushed on a shorty, then got a staph infection on my back from a dirty mixed martial arts, quit working out, took a break from uni., noticed my lack of self maintenance, spent my time with someone who lacked oral hygiene, wore smelly boat shoes, and belittled me and more…

I could not express how low I felt last year. I allowed myself to become folly and exposed my vulnerable persona to temporary toads, a kiss did not magically turn any candidate into a prince. I daydream about going back to those times to make better decisions, so today’s reconstructive process would be easier.

With the idea of deactivating Facebook,  unfortunately, I can not do the same with the unforgettable memories.

P\o\P

Picture of the past:

I won’t stress it.
I tried to go to sleep but I was making myself upset with some unsaid words.

I understand my past was dung in a puddle of piss

I realize I said hurtful things and spoke to different people
I understand how much of a s**t bag of a human being I was in the past and with this being said. I promise to not push anyone anymore.
I will make a solid truce to myself because I am good enough. I am unkind at times, insensitive, and something selfish and suck at communicating when I am upset & it is completely okay with me that some people do not approve of me. I would not want to be with someone like myself either because ‘i am not s**t’ so why put up with my s**t? All I can say is that I am making a difference and even though it can not change the past — the past has changed me.
I can not pretend to be the tiny waist, blonde, blessed with real breast of a barbie for any socially set standard, however, my perspective on women & men today is moving, in some way, which affects me; I am completely accepting with the person I am today and who I will be in the near future. I have accepted my flaws, faults, and failures — and accepting myself is a better feeling than wanting someone else to accept me, today.
With this being said,
I won’t intrude, pursue, or influence — manipulate others in anyway because it is not who I am. With all of the love I can offer, I will save it for the day cupid resurrects with a flaming bow and arrow to ignite my passion for a person with a similar soul coinciding with my own.
I am okay with being me.