Here is a little update on my absence, not like you’d really care.
I started college again, full time; I told myself I wouldn’t challenge myself like that again. Taking four classes, working full time at the hospital, and maintaining study times, habits, and finding some free time to maintain myself and spend time with my son.
Since I was hired on to work the second shift at the hospital – this means that I work from 7pm to 7am. Shall I add that I have 8am classes Monday thru Thursday? There are times that I find myself waking up around 5am in the morning, not able to doze back off to sleep before my day begins. My weekday mornings roughly start at 5am and my typical routine to run 2 miles, study with a cup of coffee and watch I Love Lucy or Law and Order: Special Victim Unit goes accordingly.
By week three (almost four) I begin to feel the change, my body is finally reacting in ways that felt familiar but abnormal. I would nap frequently, have episodes where I display attitudes, complain about one thing or another, eat frequently to regain energy to complete my day, and crave sugar (more than normal). Some of these symptoms might seem normal to my previous history, however, a hypertension blood pressure at the age of 23 was a major sign that I was pushing myself to the limit.
After having two days off and reconsidering my college major, I return to work on May 26th. A quarter till midnight, a pounding headache developed like the one you get during a caffeine withdraw. I tried to ignore this feeling as the pressure increased as I grew dizzy in a still computer chair. At this point, I swallowed my pride and asked the charge nurse for a OTC pill to subside the aching. I walked around to regain myself and shake off the feeling then seconds later I find myself dry heaving over the toilet. I felt like it was just an induced reaction by thought, so I continue to walk around the halls on the cardiac unit. Within minutes, I located the charge nurse to ask to be dismissed for the night. This is when she took my blood pressure and was shocked at the results: 171/117. She rushed me down to the first floor in the emergency room. I tried to stay away from this situation as I felt like I was the last grain of sand in the hourglass of life. Rushing to the surprisingly clean bathroom, I begin to vomit uncontrollably; with buckling knees, unstable balance, and weary awareness – I utilize my employee badge and let myself into the emergency room from the waiting room to find an empty bed. The only time I have ever felt my heart work so hard, beating damn near out of my chest was…. never. The experience has scared me to another level of self awareness.
Needless to say,
there is a possibility that I could have high blood pressure at a young age or is could be stress/anxiety induced with a splash of lack of sleep.
Am I over thinking my ability to become a great doctor? Am I afraid of the work? or am I just lazy to attend so many years of schooling to actually make something of my family name? It bothers me how my father came from Cuba with nothing and made an empire only he can claim. He gave me everything he never had to want me to become successful and here I am, second guessing myself. Maybe I am lazy, over worked, or just resentful for the times that we have had our disagreements. Another thing is, I want to have a job that I will enjoy for the rest of my life, something not too stressful, great paying job that is challenging with benefits, growth in the career and within the business.
Who would I be if I didn’t know what my zodiac sign was, or Myers Briggs personality type is, or even that ridiculous personality color type…
If I didn’t do those tests or listen to others, what would I do as a career that would satisfy me for my entire life time?