Deactivated destruction

There are times where I find myself pissing off precious time by spending it on Facebook.

After numerous times of deactivating my account, deleting post from a year + ago, and completely altering my account to hind my identity. The heinous part of it all is – I am not able to simply DELETE my account. I can assure you now understand why I am making drastic changes to become incognito on Facebook since I do not have the freedom to simply delete it.

As I scrolled down past horrible times which were recalled by the obvious status’ – I had no true intention to continue investing my time to lurk, debate, or squander any more of my time on a crippling website.

Finally, I cut out what was hindering me from being happy and doing what I said I would do last year.

Among the scrolling thru my past post – feeling ashamed for time wasted on gaining likes and attention – I stumble across some post from spring of 2016 reading, ” I need to uproot from this town and move.” Another was explaining how I  was going to begin nursing school that year;

With many tears, unexpressed pain, and late nights wasted chasing love – I have felt the guilt, pique, conflating with a bolt, of what it seemed to be, nightmares that I am recuperating from. With slight tightening in my chest from holding back the violating thoughts urging me to weep. I have done enough of that, on the nights where I found myself being peeled off of the parking lot floor recovering from alcohol poisoning; looking in the rear view mirror at a fool who was in love with his past; leaving a club with someone I met from uni who is a pathological lying sucker, then boney biker who lied about his girlfriend and pursued to kiss me and take me on a date. [I am not even done] Then that time when I crushed on a shorty, then got a staph infection on my back from a dirty mixed martial arts, quit working out, took a break from uni., noticed my lack of self maintenance, spent my time with someone who lacked oral hygiene, wore smelly boat shoes, and belittled me and more…

I could not express how low I felt last year. I allowed myself to become folly and exposed my vulnerable persona to temporary toads, a kiss did not magically turn any candidate into a prince. I daydream about going back to those times to make better decisions, so today’s reconstructive process would be easier.

With the idea of deactivating Facebook,  unfortunately, I can not do the same with the unforgettable memories.


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