Growing up as the youngest and only girl of four children, I was enjoying my stir-fried life; never really enjoying having my hair done or running freely down my back — I a firm ponytail girl. As I aged, I have experienced a self identity issue – not a diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder – but a case of being influenced by those around me. Now at an age where I can perceive the social standards and norm for an individual, for a female at least, I made an ‘irrational’ decision to cut my hair off — I was dissatisfied with the allure of hair color, length, and style.
As time flourished, I struggled to understand the appeal and standards of men and women – I first experienced an episode displaying such examples by my mother and father. I saw my mother as a beautiful creature, so emotional and willing to modify her natural features to satisfy fathers fetish for blonde hair; I could only recall her having bleach blonde hair at a young age. I was then aware that women are willing to alter natural attributes to gratify another imperfect individual. As I felt unwanted throughout my life, I questioned myself – I asked myself a series of questions: Am I good enough? Am I even attractive? Is it because I am not sending seductive pictures of my unfertilized assets? Is it because of my height?
And so, I began to search for what it was that I lacked and set a goal to obtain the seductive look that would turn me into a “heart breaker.” After experiencing sleepless nights, resisting the symptoms of depression, and striving for perfection — I finally became numb and disdained my own health and personal hygiene (I bathe regularly – I lacked the attention to the details that made me feel more feminine.) Since it was strenuous for me to even accept myself at the time, I lacked self maintenance then made the conclusion that it would difficult for someone else to truly love me. Since the exposure of my mothers modifications to attract my fathers attention – I suppose, I made an attempt to follow the same tedious pattern.
In 2014, I made a dramatic decision to cut my hair short (Ruby Rose short, I did this before I was aware of her existence.) What was my logic behind this action? Well, I wanted a change, which is a focused reason why most women would cut or color their hair. In my case, I was experience withdraws of myself as an individual, I wanted to become someone new, a brand new me with the hopes of still being attractive in the eyes of society. Imagine cutting all of your hair off as when it once tickled my hip bones, it now tickled the cartilage of my ears (depending on which side my hair feel on that day.) It was a dramatic adjustment – since majority of the female population roams the earth with long majestic hair. I later found that even with this short hair cut I was still getting attention, it was slightly soothing. Later in the year, I found out that blondes are typically a mans first hand pick compared to an active & competitive female with short hair. My mental health took a plummeting spiral into landing me in a facility where I found myself talking among other individuals with differing mental health issues and in front of a licensed doctor paid to diagnose individuals with a crippling label and prescribing what I call ‘happy pills.’
In between 2015 and 2016, I recuperated by letting my hair grow back out and investing my time in power lifting, mixed martial arts, social media, and college. I still could not find the reasoning as to why I felt to different in some way, (I was not experience a gender crisis) I was discovering why I still felt detained and searched for my career path. By the end of a harrowing year, I removed myself and my other half from a negative county and upbringing, to advanced as an independent individual. In a new house hold and county – I still was no satisfied with the positive change. So, on 2017/Jan/13 I buzz cut my hair off (picture Evey from V for Vendetta and her military cut.)
For the first time, I felt the sensation of reincarnation that night. Prior to maintaining the duties of hair care, I neglected to realize what else came with my choice. Some people would say, ” I’d never cut my hair” or gawk in my direction – I was impressed with the amount of compliments I received from other women and some men. And with my rebirth came a new sense of perception towards others, myself, and life in general. Since my drastic hair cut, I have invested more of my time to self maintenance, achieving goals for the year, and growing as a pure individual. In this time, I became more modest, conservative with my actions and assets, and humble.
Prior to that night, I grew aware of the social standards; The petty things that I acknowledged about others life style such as their physical appearance, lack of or too much of make up, their nails, eyebrows, or webbed toes – I once saw them in a negative light. I knocked my self off of a high horse which reconstructed my harsh criticism; On my way down, my pre-madonna ego was shattered then I began to rebuild my structure with an invisible cast made of kindness, compassion, and the drive to be successful.
What a fascinating psychology experiment.